Breaking Free

I've been told that "I can't" too many times in my life, enough for ten lifetimes really. Some of my biggest dreams have been squashed by someone saying "Oh you can't do that" or "you won't be able to accomplish that". I can't put the blame on other people entirely, I allowed their second guessing to seep in to my mind. I let their words become the truth of my life; but in all honesty, what else was I to do? I was taught “no”, “can’t”, and “shouldn’t” at a very young age. I have always had a strong desire to make my parents proud, or to have them approve of my life. Some things I turned down because I feared not only my parent’s rejections, but also those of friends, boyfriends, or peers. I couldn’t really tell you if my parents are proud of me, I of course hope they are. I have overcome and accomplished some pretty big things in my life; I don’t know if that equates in to pride or not though. But does it matter?

Why is it that you can be told something positive 100 times, and something negative once, yet you only focus on the negative? In my early twenties I was with a verbally abusive partner, he was relentless; made me truly hate myself and doubt my self-worth on every level. Almost ten years later, I still live with that for some reason. His biggest hot ticket item was to mock me for my weight, to tell me I was fat and unattractive. This has become a part of who I am, I have carried that ugly thought around with me every single day. What the hell for? I was in the car today with my husband looking at photos on my phone while he was driving; I came across one from earlier that day where my full body was in it and I looked very thin. I stared at it for a moment and asked my husband: “Why do I think I’m fat?”

It was one of those real light bulb moments for me, one that seemed to escape my brain for far too many years. My husband told me he didn’t know why I thought I was fat, as I very clearly wasn’t fat. I realized that I’ve been letting this jerk from years ago, win. Still. His negativity was still what spoke most to my heart. I didn’t listen when my husband told me I was beautiful, I didn’t think he meant it when he cat called me as I was getting in or out of the shower. He has told me, and showed me that he thinks I’m perfect exactly the way I am, yet I still let this other loser win my mind?

I’ve lived with other people’s negative words in my head for far too long, I’m breaking free of “can’t”, moving forward and chasing after my dreams. I have watched people whom I love deeply be miserable their whole lives and not understand why. They continue to do the same thing, day in and day out, and then wonder why they’re still unhappy. I have found myself briefly in that cycle before, but have always appreciated that I am constantly moving forward. Even if it’s at a pace slower than a slug in peanut butter, I have worked on developing in to a better person and having a better life. It has taken many years, and many therapy sessions for me to acknowledge that other people’s opinion on whether I can or cannot do something has no bearing on my life.

#dreams #positivity #breakingfree