Valentine's Day pt. 1

“Suffering will change us, but not necessarily for the better. We have to choose that. And it was the choosing that, that made all the difference for me.” ― Wayne Cordeiro

"I'll take the smaller Turkey Bacon Ranch sandwich on wheat bread please?" I asked the Quizno's worker with a smile.

She started working on my sandwich, and I leaned back to kiss Brent, my boyfriend of two years. We were on our way to the coast to celebrate Valentine's Day but stopped for lunch first. After my sandwich had been made and sent through the oven to toasty goodness, the worker then asked Brent what he'd like, after ordering his sandwich Brent asked "Could I get olives on my sandwich too?"

"Sure, no problem, it'll just be .35 cents extra!" answered the employee.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You're going to charge me extra for olives?" Brent angrily joked.

"Sorry, that's our policy. Your sandwich comes with just lettuce, tomatoes, and onions"

"Why can't I just order what I want? Subway doesn't charge me more."

As Brent got louder, the girl behind the counter started to get more nervous. Visibly recoiling from him. A manager approached, to see what the problem was.

"Unlike Subway, our sandwiches are put together as a whole and the prices include the different toppings. We could do a substitute if you'd like?"

At this point, Brent had totally lost his cool. A complete and utter meltdown that a three year old would be proud of. A giant tantrum, from a 31 year old man over OLIVES.

And the icing on this already horrible cake, we were not only in public, but at the Quizno's I had previously worked at. I knew every single employee behind the counter! I would like to say that I have never been so mortified in my life...but unfortunately that would not be the truth. This man humiliated me more times, in front of more people then I would ever like to count.

I ran to the cash register, tears flowing freely; my former co-workers staring at me in complete disbelief, not sure what to say or think. I quickly paid for both of our sandwiches, shame and embarrassment oozing out of my every pore. I muttered apologies, knowing that an "I'm sorry" at this point did absolutely nothing. Brent was now screaming about "what a fucking stupid policy" and "Quizno's was complete bullshit", as he's getting worked up he began to flails his hands around in a very threatening manner.

The expression on his face was also very menacing, his mouth scrunched up to his nose, looking like a predator about to kill his prey. Brent gave a whole new meaning to "red faced from anger", his eyeballs bulging out like a cartoon. His whole body shaking, using his size to intimidate you; slowly inching closer and closer to you. Making you fear for your physical safety.

After paying I ran out to wait by the car, the rain falling on my face mixing with my tears. I lit a cigarette with my trembling hands, anxiety coursing through my body. No idea what to do next.

Soon I heard the car unlock, which was my cue to get in; even though I wasn't finished smoking. I got in to his car, buckled up and attempted to eat. My nerves and anxiety had made me feel very nauseous and I was hoping eating might help. He stood outside the car, and stared me down the entire time, I knew I was in trouble. My sandwich turned to cement in my mouth, and bubbling, boiling lava in my stomach.

As he got in the car, he began yelling at me for apologizing for him when he had clearly done nothing wrong. Our argument escalated, all of Quizno's still had a front row seat as we were in the parking spot directly in front of their windows. Sometime between him throwing the sandwich across the car, those very precious olives flying everywhere, and Brent threatening to make me get out of the car and leave me there I convinced him to just drive back to his house. When we got there, the argument picked right back up even though neither of us said a word to each other on the drive back.

Now that he didn't have an audience, he could do what he really wanted while screaming; could escalate to any level. I tried to leave, grabbed my bags and knelt to kiss our dog goodbye; Brent grabbed me by my hair pulling me up and then throwing me back down in one fell swoop. We'd been by his fireplace, the back of my head went crashing in to the brick hearth.

It was such a shocking amount of pain, felt like I was being blinded by white lights. I lost consciousness for a moment; when I woke the scene had totally changed. Now he was the perfect ever loving boyfriend, so concerned about my safety.

More like worried he would have to take me to the hospital, and explain why I was there. AGAIN.

I was very disoriented and definitely in shock. Somehow it was decided we were going to the beach, I was shuffled out to the car with my seat belt buckled for me. I just sat and cried, not really sure what was happening. My phone was shoved in my face "Don't forget we have to pick your swimsuit up from your sister, I'm calling her now, pull your shit together and stop crying." Brent spat out.

So not only did I just get a literal major blow to the head that I was still trying to process, but now I was expected to act and talk normally? Obviously I was incapable of such a task, but thankfully my sister didn't push me when I said I didn't want to talk about it. She knew what was going on, but didn't know how to help, and didn't want to alienate me. We went and grabbed the swimsuit, for the romantic weekend of hot tubbing at the beach we'd planned and headed to the coast.

I was allowed to nap during this time, which gave me some time to try and process what had just happened and what I was going to do. This was awful, and I knew that I couldn't stay, I needed to leave. He was abusive, and while the physical abuse was horrible; the verbal abuse was actually much worse. Wounds heal, sometimes leaving scars, but scars from verbal abuse run much deeper and are very hard to fully heal.

When we got to the hotel, he jumped out to check us in and get our room key. Brent had switched back to the perfect loving boyfriend I had fallen in love with, carrying my bags, telling me all the romantic things he wanted to do. When we got in the room, I realized there were rose petals everywhere with a bouquet on the nightstand. He had asked the hotel to set this up, they had come through nicely. I felt like puking, I felt like my head and heart were going to explode, but I also knew if I didn't "perform" it would only lead to more arguing.

The tears came easily, I pretended they were tears of happiness. Expressing how touched I was that he was so thoughtful to call ahead like that. He swept me in to a hug, and whispered how much he loved me. I was essentially a dead fish in his arms, still unable to understand the days events.

"I'm going to jump in the shower, then we'll go over to the restaurant across the street for dinner!" Brent stated excitedly.

Again, I knew that I needed to play a long, so I told him that was a wonderful idea. And said I was just going to lay down for a few minutes while he showered. As I did I started to realize that maybe I was actually wrong in this situation. Brent was my partner, I should always love and respect him enough to "have his back". He was embarrassed and disappointed that I hadn't been on his side, I would be too! We're partners, we're supposed to always be on each others sides!

I realized that I also had brought up his insecurities by trying to leave the house, that I had brought up abandonment issues for him. THAT'S why he reacted so strongly, it was my fault. I had done these things. As I became aware of this, I was also filled with guilt. Here was this amazing man, who took care of me, put up with me when I acted crazy, and I was thinking about leaving him? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?!?

My head was killing me, I felt as though my brain had been tied to railroad tracks and had trains running over it all night, but I knew that I needed to pull it together for Brent. He had worked so hard on this weekend that I almost destroyed.

I immediately got a glass of water, and vowed to have an amazing night with Brent, because that was what he deserved.

Domestic Violence is a serious issue, if you or someone you know is experiencing abuse PLEASE seek help. You can call 1-800-799-7233 or text "HELLO" to 741741 to find resources. Both lines are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Continue to follow this journey, and find out more about how I was able to leave my abuser, and the scars it has left me with. Subscribe, and have it delivered directly to your inbox!

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